Few things are more important to parents than having their kids get along well together. Nevertheless, sibling rivalry is a fact of life for many families. As we approach Mother’s Day this year, let’s consider what you can do and say to reduce the amount of tension and inspire great sibling relationships. Here’s what the experts suggest:
Talk to your kids about conflict triggers
The first and most important thing is to identify what triggers conflict among your kids. “Once you and your kids know the triggers,” says Dr. Gene Beresin, a child psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, “you can plan ways to nip conflict in the bud.” Dr. Beresin advises parents to sit down with their kids and talk to them about their relationships with their siblings and their role in the family more generally: “Talk about their siblings – how they feel about them, how they feel they compare, how they process what’s going on in the family, what siblings do to trigger them.”
Observe when and why conflicts flare up
Identify possible triggers by observing patterns of when and why conflicts tend to flare up. Dr. Sydney Ryckman, a pediatrician, suggests that parents pay attention to things such as the time of day that conflicts usually occur: “Do they happen when your kids are hungry before meals, before bedtime when everyone is tired and exhausted after a long day?” Karen Stephens, the author of The Child Care Professional, adds that parents should pay attention to why their kids experience conflict: “Are the children jockeying for family position? Are they trying to get adult attention or distract them? Are they fighting over a particular toy, friend, or relative?”
Hold regular family meetings
Experts agree that one of the best venues for discussing conflict triggers is so-called “family meetings.” They suggest that families get together on a weekly basis to consider the most common conflict triggers and what they can do to deal with them. Family meetings, Dr. Ryckman says, “allows the family to share their opinions, seek understanding, and find resolution to problems.” To make the meetings as productive as possible, Dr. Ryckman suggests that parents establish certain rules, including that everyone gets an opportunity to talk, one person talks at a time and doesn’t get interrupted, and that everyone has to listen without putting anyone else down. He also suggests that families set an agenda, determine priority issues, generate possible solutions, decide on the best one, and make explicit plans to implement it.
Combine family meeting with fun
While it’s best to conduct family meetings in an organized manner, they don’t have to be serious affairs at the dining room table. Ashley Patek, a certified parenting coach, suggests that parents combine them with fun family activities like watching a movie or going on a hike. What matters, Ms. Patek says, is that they represent “a safe place for all members of the family to share feelings and actively listen to one another.”
Engage in fun family activities
Don’t underestimate the importance of fun family activities in reducing sibling conflict. “Whether you’re watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game,” says Dr. Jennifer Shroff Pendley, a well-known child psychologist, ”you’re establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved.” Dr. Ryckman agrees. “If your kids have good experiences together,” he notes, “it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.”
Spend alone-time with each kid
It’s also important for your kids to spend some alone-time with you, even if you’re very busy and only have a few minutes available here and there. It’s not the amount of time that matters but the act of taking the time to tend to their specific needs. “Children are less prone to engaging in conflict,” says Dr. Malini Saba, another well-known child psychologist, “if they believe their uniqueness is valued.” And you can demonstrate that uniqueness, Dr. Saba says, “by spending time with them individually.”
Don’t be afraid of sibling conflicts
Finally, remember that sibling conflicts are a natural part of family life and if handled properly, can teach your kids important skills. As kids cope with conflicts, Dr. Pendley says, they learn skills “like how to value another person’s perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.”
Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences, and Disorders at The City University of New York – Brooklyn College.
