When parenting feels overwhelming and you don’t know what to say or do next, remember this: Sometimes the most powerful response isn’t advice, correction, or a solution. It’s simply being willing to stop and listen.
I recently lost my grandmother, one of the greatest listeners I have ever known. She had a remarkable ability to make me feel heard, understood, and important. She didn’t always have advice, and she certainly didn’t agree with everything I said. She simply listened more than she lectured. Looking back, I realize how much she taught me without saying a word.
After 25 years of working with children and families, I believe one of the most powerful parenting skills is also one of the most overlooked: listening.
We spend so much time teaching, correcting, advising, and directing our children that we sometimes forget to hear them. Yet, if we want our children to listen to us, we must first demonstrate what listening looks like. Here are several ways we can intentionally listen to strengthen our relationships and influence.
Active Listening: Give Your Undivided Attention
Put down your phone, make eye contact when appropriate, and resist interrupting. When your child says, “My teacher hates me!” instead of immediately responding, “I’m sure that’s not true,” try, “Tell me what happened.” Your attention communicates something powerful: What you have to say matters to me.
Empathetic Listening: Hear the Feelings Behind the Words
Children need to know we can handle their emotions without becoming overwhelmed ourselves. When your child says, “My teacher hates me!” respond with, “It sounds like you felt really hurt by something that happened today.” Remember, validating feelings does not mean agreeing with their interpretation or excusing inappropriate behavior. It simply means acknowledging their emotional experience. Children who feel understood are often more willing to share the rest of the story and listen to feedback.
Reflective Listening: Make Sure You Understand
Reflective listening involves repeating or summarizing what you’ve heard to clarify understanding. For example, “So, you felt embarrassed when your teacher corrected you in front of everyone. Is that right?” This gives your child an opportunity to correct misunderstandings, organize their thoughts, and practice communicating clearly.
Listening to Understand, Not to Respond
Perhaps the hardest skill is resisting the urge to immediately fix, lecture, or defend. Instead of explaining why the teacher was right, ask, “What do you think happened?” or “What could you do differently next time?” Our children need guidance, but we cannot effectively teach skills until we understand what’s actually happening.
Listening Changes as Children Grow
With infants and toddlers, listening means noticing cries, gestures, expressions, and emerging words while providing considerable guidance. As children mature, our conversations should gradually shift from directing toward listening, questioning, and collaborative problem-solving. Even our adult children need parents who listen without immediately offering unsolicited advice.
The Relationship Comes Before the Lesson
My grandmother gave me something I will carry forever: the experience of being truly heard. I hope to give that same gift to others. Listening doesn’t eliminate correction or boundaries. It creates the trust that makes our guidance easier to receive.
If you want your children to talk to you, listen more. If you want them to trust you, listen more. And if you want them to value your wisdom, make sure they know you value their voice.
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
