Parents often come to see me because they are distressed about their child’s “extremely bad behavior.” When I try to collect details about the problem, very few parents can answer the simple questions I ask. Let’s look at an example of a child biting and hitting every time his parents tell him, “No”. I ask them to think about the last time this took place and attempt to understand what happened before, during, and after the aggression. Instead of giving details, parents often answer with, “You just don’t understand, it is so bad. He will just hit us until we give him what he wants. We have no other choice.” Most of the time, the reason for their child’s behavior is not pathological, it is simply a product of learned history.
Learned history is the collection of past interactions and experiences that influence a person’s current behavior. This is what learned history looks like in daily life: if a child’s aggression gets him what he wants, he is going to be aggressive when he is told “no”. If a child sneaks into the pantry to get a cookie, she is going to do it again. If a child lies about homework and escapes the assignment, he is going to lie again. Without intervention, we all repeat what has been effective in our past.
Here is a practical approach to help your child establish healthy habits through learned history.
- Make sure that your children ask permission. You must ensure that communication and engagement are at the forefront of their learned history. If not, they find ways to work around communicating with others to get what they want.
Learned history also impacts emotional development. For example, if you feed into your child’s fears, she will become more afraid. If you allow your son’s anger to dictate what happens next, he will expect others to give in to his anger. If you become overwhelmed every time your children display negative emotions, they become terrified every time they feel bad. I am not suggesting that you ignore their emotions, just validate while helping them learn that emotions are indicators, not dictators.
Here is a practical approach to help your children learn that emotions are not dictators.
- When you ask your child to do something, do not let their emotions dictate task completion. Too often, parents become distracted by their child’s emotional responses and lose focus on what is important. Some parents overly indulge their child’s emotions, “I am sorry this makes you angry, you do not have to do it.” On the other end of the spectrum, some parents attempt to punish emotions. For example, “You are not allowed to be upset when I ask you to clean up your toys. You must do this with a ‘happy heart’.” Instead, simply join with your child and help them. Even if their response is negative, encourage completion. Your job is to focus on the task and help your child succeed.
Celebrate every moment you have with your children and stay focused on what is important: help them do what you ask them to do and communicate their wants/needs. Do not let all the worries you have about raising healthy adults rob you of the joys of this season of life.
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
